I don't want the world to see me
by smaragdbird
Summary: Nathaniel saves Fergus' life but at what price? (Nathaniel/Anders, h/c)


"How is he?" Nathaniel asked as soon as Anders came out of the room. He hadn't even washed the blood from his hands yet.

"He's going to live but he's been pretty carved up"; Anders laid his hand on Nathaniel's shoulder. "I can't promise you more than that."

Nathaniel nodded, tight-lipped. "I sent a messenger to Denerim. She'll want to know."

"Hey", Anders said softly," you saved his life."

"And what a good job I did", Nathaniel replied bitingly. "I meet my oldest friend the first time in ten years and make sure he'll live the rest of his life as a cripple."

"You don't know that."

Nathaniel tilted his head downwards. His hair had come loose and fell around it, hiding it from Anders' view. When he tried to push it back he felt something wet on his hands.

"Nate, are you…crying?"

"Of course not", Nathaniel quickly stepped backwards out of Anders' reach.

"Nate", Anders really didn't know what to say. His talents lay in annoying people or making them smile, not comforting them. Especially not someone as serious as Nathaniel. Feeling utterly helpless Anders stepped forwards and wrapped his arms around Nathaniel.

No one had held him like this since his mother had died and at first Nathaniel fought back to make Anders let him go, to make him stop. He felt brittle as if he would crack if he let something escape from the walls he had so carefully put up around him.

But Anders didn't let him go. He held onto Nathaniel as if his life depended on it. Anders was stronger than he looked, harder than he looked and a better man than most people would ever know. Something broke inside Nathaniel and he buried his face inside Anders' robes so that no one would see his tears, no one would hear him cry.

When he finally stopped shaking he felt empty. As if he hadn't only cried for Fergus but for Thomas and his father, his mother and the life he would never have again. But Anders' hands were warm, his arms wrapped around him tightly and he smelled like lyrium and old books and cat.

"Thank you", Nathaniel whispered even though it sounded insufficient to his own ears.

"You're welcome", Anders replied although he thought it was inadequate to describe his feelings. He let go of Nathaniel and smiled at him. Nathaniel returned his smile even if it looked a little as if his wasn't sure what it was doing but it was a beautiful smile and Anders caught himself thinking that Nathaniel should smile more.

Of course he also thought that Nathaniel should spend more time shirtless so maybe he was biased.

Anders' hands settled on Nathaniel's neck and he kissed him, a chaste press of lips to lips, more a token of affection and reassurance than passion.

Nathaniel wanted to say something but Anders' laid his finger over his mouth. "Fergus will be fine. And you need to wash and rest and so do I. You saved his life, Nate. Everything else can wait until tomorrow."

"Will you be there?" Nathaniel asked so quietly that Anders nearly missed it.

"If you want", Anders smiled and brushed back strands of Nathaniel's hair from his face. He wasn't good with soft words but here, with Nathaniel, they came easily.

"I do", Nathaniel said and pressed a kiss to Anders' lips. It was feather light and filled with gratitude and the need for comfort.

Passion could wait until tomorrow as well.

Anders slipped his hand into Nathaniel's and tugged him towards the baths. Vigil's Keep had the advantage of a hot spring and they both needed it now. Anders could feel the exhaustion pulling at him but he pushed it back as well as he could. Nathaniel looked so fragile, as if he would break and shatter if Anders wasn't there to guide him through the night.

They washed up quickly and silently and settled into Nathaniel's room as it was closer. It was a bare room but what little Nathaniel possessed was clean of dust and carefully arranged: his grandfather's bow of course but also a whittled nug Sigrun had given him or the Sextant Elissa had found in Amaranthine. A book Anders had mentioned worth reading lay open on the desk within reach from the bed and an elvish hairclip from Velanna was next to it.

Nathaniel got between the blankets and was grateful when Anders settled behind him, wrapping his arms around him and surrounding him with warmth and security. Nathaniel threaded his fingers through Anders and shuffled closer against his chest.

Everything else could wait for tomorrow.


End file.
